Legalizing gay marriage won’t change my world

With the Supreme Court set to issue a decision in June, it’s likely that same-sex marriage is about to become a reality in the United States. Many gay couples no doubt will take the opportunity to procure a well-deserved marriage license. But my partner and I won’t be among them.

You might ask, hasn’t the time finally arrived when my partner and I can join together as husbands and enjoy the emotional and financial benefits that we deserve? Well, reality sometimes has a way of trumping even the law. In our case, we have decided it is wiser for the time being to stay “single.” Why? Because we’re worried that should my husband tick the “married” box and write down my name, his employer would fire him — just as I had been almost 50 years ago. And as in my case, no reason would have to be given.

As satisfying as a Supreme Court victory may be for the queer community, for some of us within it, it will be less than life-changing — even a bit sad because it came so late.

Timing has been important, and often cruel, in my own life. In 1968 I was a Foreign Service Officer working as a State Department diplomat detailed to the U.S.’s pacification program for “winning hearts and minds” in war-torn Vietnam. We were helping with the “soft” side of the U.S. presence, trying to improve the lives of the people caught between two warring adversaries. Frustrated by a war I knew was wrong, I nevertheless persevered in my job, reaching out to the Vietnamese to provide relief and recovery. Near the breaking point emotionally, I somehow survived the Tet Offensive and returned to the U.S., having been commended and honored for my work. 

But what greeted me in Washington was not a promotion or another challenging assignment, but termination. There was no explanation. Only decades later, through a former colleague who had worked in the human resources department, did I find out why: It had been discovered that I was gay. 

Today, 45 years later, gay people are recognized and respected in the State Department. They even have their own union, GLIFA — gays and lesbians in foreign affairs — and a gay ambassador was recently posted to a prestigious assignment accompanied by his husband. But alas! My timing was off. I often think: Had the time been right I could have been that ambassador and my partner of 33 years the accompanying husband.

Bad timing seems to strike in pairs. I recovered and landed a great job with the United Nations, where I thrived professionally and emotionally for nearly 30 years. But because we were unable to marry, my partner was not eligible for any of the benefits accorded to spouses legally recognized by the United Nations system. When I retired in the late 1990s, my partner was deprived of the generous retirement benefits that would have been his had we been married.

The Supreme Court’s upcoming decision has the LGBTQ community and gay-friendly talking heads in a state of anticipatory euphoria. It’s not too pie-in-the sky to predict that the justices will render a favorable decision. Whatever the final count, bets are overwhelming that gay marriage will become legal by mid-2015.

If it comes to pass, the celebrations will be well deserved and the festivities historic (and, I hope, over the top). But after the confetti has been swept away and the rainbow flags furled for next year’s pride parades, gay people will be settling into their newfound “equality,” and for some people — myself included — the decision itself will not make much of a difference in our lives.

Favorable Supreme Court decisions are good and necessary, but the reality of the world we live in will not immediately be changed by a legal action, no matter how historic. So forgive me, or at least understand, if my smile is a bit weak should we receive good news in June. You may also notice a slight shrug of my 76-year-old shoulders as I express my muted joy.